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Values: What Should We Do With Our Life and Why

"He who has a why, can bear almost any how" - Viktor Frankl


Aren't Values Just More Over Intellectualising?

 

I read a blog recently that criticised ACT and other therapies, arguing that "it's a privilege only those with good circumstances can entertain. How can someone in very difficult situations be expected to explore their values and who they are, when just surviving is hard enough?"

 

Having spent many years using ACT in some of the most economically deprived parts of Manchester UK, I disagree strongly. I would argue that the above authors position only contributes to those struggling feeling even more stuck. Even in the most difficult of times, knowing our values and who we want to be, can guide us, drive us, and even help us survive.

 

A prime example of this is Viktor Frankl. He was a psychiatrist who survived Auschwitz and other Nazi concentration camps, losing his wife, his parents, and nearly everything else. In those camps, he observed that the prisoners who survived weren't necessarily the strongest or healthiest, they were the ones who held onto a sense of purpose. For Frankl, that meant staying alive to rewrite the manuscript the Nazis had destroyed. It was that "why" that kept him going when life circumstances were about as bad as they can get.

 

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl | Goodreads

 

When life strips away your choices, your comfort, your safety, values don't become less important, they become something you can hold onto. They give us meaning, purpose, a sense of identity, and they help us to navigate our most difficult life moments.

 

Understanding our values helps us to understand what is intrinsically rewarding, and can train us to make decisions in our life from a whole different place. 

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The Compass and the Map (Values vs Goals)

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Values vs Goals - By Dr. Russ Harris

 

This is a useful way to think about the difference between values and goals. Goals are like destinations on a map, specific places you're trying to reach: get the promotion, run a 5k, marriage, having children, buy a house. Goals can be ticked off, achieved, crossed off the list.

 

Values are like the compass, giving you direction and keeping you oriented when you're lost or when the path gets difficult. If your goal is to learn a new skill, that's a destination (you either get there or you don't), but if your value is personal growth, or challenging yourself, or contributing your expertise, that's a direction you can keep moving in regardless of whether you ever master that particular skill. You can head west forever and never arrive at "west" because west isn't a destination, it's a direction. Values work the same way. You never finish being a loving parent, a reliable friend, or someone who acts with courage, because these are ongoing ways of trying to be, not boxes to tick.

 

So, a really important consideration for this is: values need to be held lightly. And yes, you might create goals to help move you in the right direction, but the values themselves are not a stick to hit yourself with when you're not living to them perfectly. They're like having a gentle set of internal gurus who know how to guide the goals you set for yourself.

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What is the Point of Learning my Values?


A lot of values work is about learning how and why you make choices. small choices, big choices, life changing choices, braver choices, choosing to assert boundaries, or sometimes choosing to gently let go of old unhelpful patterns of behaviour.

 

For example, you might know that when life has been kicking your arse for a bit, you feel like withdrawing from your normal activities. But you also know, that maintaining healthy rewarding routines, connecting with people, moving your body, would likely help. So, an established value of self-care or connection can guide you to do the harder thing, the thing that feels wrong in the moment but serves you better in the long run.

 

Or maybe the part of you that we might call "anxiety" has been restricting your opportunities for years. You've turned down new jobs, avoided situations, kept yourself small and safe. Values work asks:

  • What would you be doing if anxiety wasn't calling the shots?

  • What kind of life would you be living if you were moving towards your values rather than anxiety driven safety seeking?

 

Or perhaps you've always pushed yourself to the max because you have a very driven inner perfectionist. But:

  • Who is it you are pushing yourself so hard for?

  • What are you actually trying to achieve on a deeper level here?

  • Is it connected to something that matters to you, or are you running on someone else's expectations for your life?

 

This is where all the other ACT skills become incredibly useful with values knowledge. You can accept the anxiety and dread about going out to meet a friend, because you know moving towards connection values is worth the price of admission. You can get up and apply yourself to work even when you're tired, because you know it's moving towards financial independence. You can start a new hobby that you feel afraid you might be really bad at, just because. . . It might be fun!

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Your Natural Antidepressants


This is something I've learned personally, as well as professionally. Learning to live according to values is probably the best anti-depressant medication you can ever take.

 

I still have the mechanics of depression within me: the tendency to withdraw, the voice that says nothing matters, the pull towards isolation and inactivity. But knowing what my valued areas are, and ensuring I commit to a good spread of them, keeps me functional and (more than that) keeps my life meaningful.

 

For me, that means I have to connect with others in my spare time. I have to maintain openness with loved ones even when I want to shut down. I have to move towards physical health values, gym sessions and football games, even when my body feels heavy and my mind says, "you can't be bothered today, just stay at home."

 

These choices are essential to me. They facilitate everything else, including my ability to do the work I love. Your valued areas will be different, but the principle is the same: understanding what we do and why we do it is where our sense of deeper meaning can be cultivated.

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And just like anti-depressants, I am not suggesting living to values will magically cure things for you, but adopting it as a way of living across your life will certainly help. 

Who Do You Want to Be?

Values clarification often comes down to getting in the habit of asking yourself the right types of question. Who do you want to be. . . when the chips are down? During an argument with your partner? As a parent? When your friend is struggling? At work, when things get difficult? In your downtime? 

 

These aren't questions about what you should do or what others expect. They're questions about what feels right to you, what matters in your gut, what you'd want to stand for if nobody was watching and there were no consequences either way.

 

Some values are pretty universal, such as connection, acceptance, respect, learning, playfulness, etc, and this is why humans consistently write about these things throughout our history. Just think about how many modern pop songs are about those values.

 

Don't think connection is that important for you? Watch this: What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness | Robert Waldinger | TED

 

For one person, connection might mean deep one-on-one conversations. For another, it's being part of a team or community. For another, its quiet presence, sitting with someone without needing to talk. Same value, completely different expressions.

 

Respect might mean speaking your truth even when it's uncomfortable. Or it might mean listening more and talking less. Or setting boundaries. Or letting things go. Your values, your life, your choices about how to express them.

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How to Figure Out Your Values

 

This is a huge question, with a multitude of answers.

 

As a colleague of mine often says about struggles I sometimes have as a therapist: we often hurt where we care. In other words, what causes us pain usually indicates what we value. For example:
 

  • Anxious about making a mistake? You probably care about doing a good job.

  • Feeling lonely or isolated? You're probably craving connection.

  • Feeling misunderstood by friends or loved ones? You probably care about feeling accepted by yourself and others.

  • Feel anxious about an intrusive thought? The intrusive thought is probably ego-dystonic (it makes you anxious because it's the opposite of who you'd like to be).
     

One of the best things you can do to discover your own values is to talk. To loved ones, to friends, to a therapist if you have one. Go for walks and talk about where you feel stuck in life. Lean right into your discomfort and get curious. What pattern of feelings do you have? What could your feelings be teaching you about what's important or missing from your life?

 

I had a 'values' conversation with a client not so long ago, towards the back end of some OCD work. I asked her: what don't you do anymore, that you used to really value when you were a kid? She said, I used to love drama classes, but stopped at 17. A few weeks and some brave choices later, she was sitting with me, enthusiastically telling me about a new drama class she had joined. What made me happy for her wasn't even that she joined the class, it was that she was willing to follow her values and give something a go, even though she felt anxious and self-defeating about doing it at first.

 

Formal exercises can help too. In sessions, an ACT therapist might share a list of common values and ask people to think about which ones feel most relevant across different areas of life, general life, leisure, work or education, hobbies, self-care. You can find a comprehensive values list here (BRAINSTORM YOUR VALUES) that might help you get started.

 

Here are some values that come up often in my work, just to give you a flavour:

 

Connection and relationships: love, kindness, friendship, intimacy, trust, honesty, respect, support, belonging

 

Personal growth: courage, curiosity, learning, authenticity, self-compassion, humour, creativity, adventure

 

Contribution: helping others, fairness, justice, responsibility, teaching, leadership, making a difference

 

Health and wellbeing: vitality, fitness, balance, peace, mindfulness, rest, pleasure, safety

 

Work and achievement: dedication, excellence, persistence, contribution, collaboration, independence, mastery

 

But values work is more than just filling out worksheets or picking from a list. It's about adopting a new philosophy, an honest and brave one, where you move towards what's valuable rather than what's comfortable or easy. There are many formal exercises out there to help you get started, but the real work is in learning how to make choices from a different place.

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The Hard Bit: Actually Living It

 

It's worth mentioning, that we also have to be realistic to the situation you are in and the context of your life right now. I am sure Viktor Frankl would have loved to have been able to move towards a range of values, but in that moment of time, he adapted his values to help him through exactly the situation he had in front of him. His values gave him the tenacity and purpose to survive one of the most hellish experiences a human being has ever faced.

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Ironically, many people are drawn to ACT because they have spent so long investing countless energy, time and decisions into trying to stop bad feelings or situations, from happening. They realise the paradox and are seeking a whole different way of life, such as living to values instead of old patterns. 

 

With this in mind, please remember to hold all of this stuff lightly. Go easy on yourself, because learning how to live differently is incredibly tough, and never fully completed. Living to values, like all other ACT tools is no miracle cure for human suffering, and does not erase any unhelpful habits life has taught you so far. It just offers something new, and hopefully more effective. Just like learning a new skill. 

 

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." Helen Keller​​
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Living to Values


Remember, values aren't destinations you reach, they're not achievements you complete, and they're not standards you have to meet perfectly or you've failed. They're directions which are always available, always there to guide you back when you've drifted. You can act on them in small ways or big ways, you can prioritise one over another depending on what life is asking of you right now, and you can hold them close when you need guidance and set them aside when you need rest.

 

The question isn't "am I living my values perfectly?" but rather "given what is happening right now, and how I am feeling, what steps take me towards the person I would like to be?"

 

If you still have no idea what's important to you, that's completely normal. Even the best ACT therapists I know are still figuring this out and always will be, that's kind of the point. The work is ongoing, not something you finish.

 

Maybe go for a walk today or tomorrow. Let yourself start asking the 'why' questions about your current habits and behaviours. Why do you do what you do? What would you do differently if you could? What hurts when you're not living according to it?

 

And if you do feel ready to start moving in some different directions, hold in mind why you are doing it just as strongly as you hold how you are doing it. The how gets you there, but the why keeps you going when it gets hard.

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Related pages:

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Jack Brown
BABCP Accredited CBT Therapist | ACT Practitioner | EMDR Practitioner
Specialising in OCD, Anxiety & Depression
www.jbpsychotherapies.com

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